


Stepping out with Stepanova

by Floopzididit



Category: Figure Skating - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 13:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17663912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopzididit/pseuds/Floopzididit
Summary: A wild adventure of sex, love and drugs post-Euros!





	1. Hotel of horrors

It was 4:67pm and Alexandra Stepanova was in her hotel room taking nudes with her Euros silver medal. She always wondered if she would meet any of her sugar daddies she sent these pictures to, but that wasn’t important. She had clout in her bank account and on her neck. Suddenly there was a very loud knock on the door. “One second!” She said as she tried to find something to wear. She could only find a robe! Too suspicious! She decided to put on her skates too so she wouldn’t look like she was up to no good. Knocking intensified. “One more minute” she screamed but she was only halfway through pacing up the first boot. Knocking intensifies more again. “Ok maybe 5 minutes!” She felt like a sweatshop worker trying to lace these things up! “Coming!” And she opens door.  
“Oh hi” it was…… Kolyada. He had his wrist braces up and blood was pouring from his head. “Why are you bleeding?” Sasha asked.  
“Uh… my hand is hurt so I used my head to knock” answered Mikahil.  
“You have two hands” Sasha said.  
“Oh haha..” and he passed out! In the hallway! Oh no! This would look really bad! She was only wearing a robe and skates and Mikhail was passed out with a bloody head! She decided to drag him into the room and hang him up to dry in the shower. “This is such a bizarre day! I didn’t even take any Xanax before competition like normal!” Sasha said to herself as she draped Misha over the shower rod. “Rest up buddy I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow” she said to misha as she locked him in the bathroom just in case he tried to pull a fast one. Well, she had to find a way to pass the time until the banquet that night. Too bad airport security took away her favorite sex toys. Yeah they were knives but she likes things spicy and they totally kink shamed her. “Hmmm might as well use this medal for something” she thought as she put it in the microwave to warm it up for some personal time. Knock. Oh no another person! “Be there in a momentarily” she said as she stepped away from the microwave. She opened the door to find him, the tall dark and handsome Spaniard. “Hola mi amo es Javi” he said with winking at her with both eyes. He was holding two bottles of wine in his pockets. This was trouble, but Sasha was a woman who liked danger. She always had a thing for Spanish men. Once she skipped two weeks of training in the summer to go party on a yacht with a druglord from Granada. If Javi was anything like the cocaine man of fame, she wouldn’t be needing to use that medal at all. “OoOO, well look who we have it is here” she said trying to sound flirtatious, but ended up coming across like a stroke victim. DAMN! She was losing her cool! “I mean, come on in, i was just ironing the balcony but that can wait” she said trying to save herself. “Jajajaja” laughed Javi “you russians have a way with saying things that is so bad” and he touched her at the neck and took her inside the hotel room. He took the wine bottles and smashed the necks on the table and then poured them a bowl of the special juice. Hm must be a spanish thing. He chugged his entire cereal bowl of Merlot and looked deep into her eye. Just the left one. “I have conquered Europeans, but all I have wanted to conquer is…” oh fuck he’s gonna make Sasha too weak “you”. “But you have a girlfriend I think! That hasn’t really stopped me with men before, but are you sure you want to do this” Sasha said as she started trying to unfasten her robe. Goddamn her girl scout training, she accidentally did the double oak tree squirrel ribbon knot. “Uh one second…” she laughed nervously. It wasn’t budging! Javi was staring at her very confused. She couldn’t ruin the moment! Then she grabbed her blade and cut through the confines of her robe. “It’s really hot that you were robes, I’ve only slept with people that wear onesies” Javi said trying to lighten the sexual tension that overtook the room as Sasha was standing in front of him bearing all. “Alexa play I Want To Know What Love Is” commanded Sasha. Something came over Javi, he was transforming...into.. Super SEx Javi :0! He grabbed her by the blades and threw her onto the bed. “Besti squat!” he commanded. She did as she was told and before she knew it Javi had 3Aed right inside of her! “Dont tell me that was URed” he winked at her. “NoOOOOOoooOo, OooooOOOOOoO youre so OVER Rotated ahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” squeaked Sasha. “Give me a haircut and call me daddy” Javi pleaded as he thrust into her. “What the fuck’” sasha asked. “GIVE ME A HAIRCUT AND CALL ME DADDY” screamed Javi. And before she knew it, he had grabbed her blades and was taking off a half inch of his soft curly locks. Before Sasha could even question what he was doing, she looked over and noticed that the microwave had caught on fire! “Javi! The room is on fire!” she screamed. “I know baby!” Javi yelled as he was reaching climax. “We’re going to die!” Sasha yelled. “GOOOOD! Uhhhhh AHHHHHH” Javi bellowed as he released his spanish sauce into Sasha. “NO! THE ROOM IS ON FIRE!” Sasha screamed again. “Oh! Fu-” the telephone interrupted him.  
“Hello” answered Sasha  
“Hi this is 911 we have a fire complaint coming from your room. Can we come in and fix it we’re at the door”  
OH NO. Sasha remembered Misha was drying off in the bathroom! This is not good!  
“Ayayay” said Javi


	2. So hot, it burns

“Javi listen to me and don’t ask questions” said Sasha  
“Ok si”  
“Misha is on the shower rod, he hit his head a lot on the door and passed out. I need you to go make him look like he is conscious. Here are some sunglasses figure it out”  
“Ok si”  
Javi went to get Misha looking a little more alive while Alexandra put on her Free Dance costume because all of her other clothes were on fire.   
“Miss Stepanova please we just want to help we don’t care if you’re naked just open the door” said the 911 police  
“One second i’m coming!”  
She opened the door and to her surprise, it was Nikita Katsalapov and Alexander Zhulin!  
“Hey what the fuck there’s a real life fire here no wonder you fell for this” said Zhulin  
“What is going ON!” said Sasha  
“You’re coming with us!” said Nikita and he hit her on the head with a bowling ball and they dragged Sasha away.  
MEANWHILST  
Javi had gotten Mikhail semi alive and he walked out of the bathroom with Misha slung over his shoulder. “Baby i have gotten Misha back-” he stopped in a drama. Where was Sasha! Oh no! There was still a fire this is so bad! He threw the mattress out of the window and with Mikhail, they jumped 16 stories and landed on the mattress safe and sound. “You should call the 911” said Misha. “My Russian ice queen is gone!’” cried Javi and he started crying on the mattress. BUT he heard a buzzing noise! He found Sashas phone with three new texts from CumPapi420. “What is this!”   
Javi unlocked the phone and saw the messages. It was actually Zhulin! He was pretending to be Sashas sugar daddy so he could stalk her and then kidnap her!  
“Mikhail we have a mission!” exclaimed Javi  
“Good ok, did you know that if one hand is broken you can use the other one”  
Javi rolled his eyes and they hopped on a pair of stilts and made their way to the arena…..  
MEANWHILE AGAIN  
“Hahahahah Sasha you are a dumb slut” said Zhulin as he hit her with a small sardine  
“Yeah now give me your medal I’m better than you!” said Nikita  
“You are both idiots, i was microwaving it and it caught on fire so good luck getting it from me!”  
“Oh damn it ok i guess you can go see you at the Banquet tonight” said Nikita  
“I hope they have egg salad” said Zhulin  
“Ah cool ok thanks and yeah egg salad is cool. See you guys next kidnap attempt” and Sasha left the arena.  
As she was leaving she saw a very tall looking creature approaching her at 32 kmp. She GASP! It was slenderman! “Sasha! Darling!” the creature cried. “AHHHHHHHHHHH” she was screaming. “No my love it is me! Javi!” said Javi who was not actually slenderman.  
“And me Misha! Thanks for drying me off on your shower rack!”  
“Oh wow you guys scared me I thought you were slenderman!” said Sasha  
“No mi amor, es tu papi, Javi mi mamacita”  
Misha felt weird so he climbed down the stilts and tried to change the subject.  
“He since all of your clothes were burned in the fire, we should try to find you something to wear” he suggested  
“No its ok, i’m going to borrow something from Tatiana Tarasova. She normally keeps a spare set of clothes in my sizes in case i encounter a lover gone mad and he burns my banquet clothes” explained Sasha.  
“Wow how nice of her. Let’s go find her and get your clothes” said Javi  
“Ok” they all said. Then they brisked away to find TAT and dress up for the banquet


	3. Banking at the banquet

“Sasha my darling! You look like the ruby slippers!” screeched TAT as they walked into the banquet. It was true, she was wearing a red dress and looked very spick and span. Javi was with her and he was wearing a tuxedo and cowboy boots. Misha trailed behind them wearing a civil war era hoopskirt. He liked to be bold. As TAT and Misha headed into the party to get their groove thing on, Javi stopped Sasha.  
“Mi amor, tu es happened with the police?” he asked  
“Oh it was just Nikita and Zhulin trying to steal my medal. It happens a lot. Luckily i was microwaving my medal so they weren’t able to get it from me” she answered  
He looked incredibly confused but Sasha was safe and they came to party not get into twisted ice dance drama. She made out with him for a long time and then suggested they take shots. That sounded fun so they went over to the bar. “Bonjour les oiseaux de sex” said Guillaume Cizeron as they approached the bar. “Jajjaajajja, my man! Hola!” greeted Javi and they all hugged each other for 4 minutes. After they embraced, Guillaume pulled out 3 pills from his underwear and said they should take them. They both agreed and took the mystery pills washed down with a shot of tequila. After 10 minutes of taking shots of each hard liquor at the bar, they all began to feel very strange. “Guillaume what were those pills?” asked Sasha feeling very odd, almost as though she was a jump rope in a double dutch competition. “I don’t really know, i bought them from a guy named CumPapi420 on grindr” said Guillame. Javi and Sasha froze in the moment. “Guillaume! No! That is Zhulin! Who knows what those pills were!” said Sasha suddenly afraid she would actually become a jump rope. “You guys mi head es a tornado!” said Javi very afraid. “Oh non! We need to seek shelter!” said Guillaume and he took them into the hotel kitchen. “Look a storm shelter! That should be safe!” Guillaume said and they ran inside. “Hello you dumb sluts” said a voice from the television over the speaker. “Oh fuck” they all said to some degree. “I have trapped you here so Vika and Nikita will win worlds muahahahah” said Zhulin very evil. “Also there is egg salad y’all want some” he offered. “Let us out or else” said Guillaume as he pulled out a usb. “Bitch the fuck is that?” said a panicked Zhulin. “Don’t ask a gay for party favors with unknown drugs, bitch i keep receipts. Now let us out or ill give this to everyone” threatened Ciz. “Oh shit ok sorry” said zhulin and he unlocked the shelter. “Ha you are dumb i will share it anyway, stupid fucker” said guillaume. But as he was about to hit Zhulin in the face, Zhulin fell to the ground. And there was their savior holding a spatula that had knocked Zhulin unconscious……


	4. Ditching the slutsickle stand

It was Ivan Buikin! “My psychic ice dance powers told me you were in trouble Sasha” he explained. She hugged him and then everyone else did too. “Thank you for saving us Mr. Buikin” they all said like robots. “No problem my friends, lets party there is egg salad!” Ivan said and they all went back to get more drunk and be crazy. Well to say the least, the banquet was a shitshow once they came back. Mishin and TAT were making out, Alina Zagitova was stealing egg salad into her purse, Sofia had cut the DJs throat and was now only playing Madonna. Things had gotten weird.They decided to make the best of it and went to find Mikhail. He was singing Let It Go while twirling his hoopskirt, and they told him things were getting weird and they should leave. He agreed. They all went back to Guillaumes trailer he was renting, because he didnt believe in hotels. He brought out a bong and asked them if they wanted to take a hit. Everyone said yeah bro cool. They were so high and drunk and wasted. Misha and Guillaume kept winking at each other and then Sasha deciced to push the sexual tension to its maximum and started playing the Can Can. Misha got up right away and started showing his goodies to Guillaume. He liked it and they headed into the bedroom for some fun activities. That left Javi Sasha and Ivan all alone. “Hey Ivan, can you go outside for 20 minutes” asked Sasha. “Why?” he asked. “Because I want to give my papi his haircut” said Sasha. “Ahh ok cool, i’ll go smoke some meth” said Ivan. And with that he left and while Sasha still had her skates on, she gave javi his intercourse haircut and he came enough to make her become a toaster strudel


	5. Gala, Gayla

Sasha woke up next to Javi on the kitchen counter. That was weird. She didn’t remember going to bed there. She glanced towards the clock and had a stress! It was 11:-4am! They were going to be late for the gala! She found an oven tray and a spatula and started banging the two together to wake the household from their drug induced slumber. “AHHHH WHY SO MUCH LOUD NOISE” said everyone! “You guys we are going to be late for the gala and I’m going to cry!” Cried Sasha. Everyone gasped in their own special way. “All of our costumes are at the hotel!” Said Misha still wearing his hoop skirt. “That’s what you think!” Said Guillaume as he took our a pair of scissors and started making the most of the Soviet era interior decor. Voila! They all had costumes in two minutes! Even though they looked a bit too much like Cuban prostitutes, it would HAVE to do. They ran out of the front door and all climbed on Guillaumes back as he hopped on a longboard and made their way to the arena. Due to the kinetic energy of five people on one longboard, they got there just in time. Phew! The president of Belarus came up to Sasha and Ivan with some not so good news. “Hello I am the president. I am also playing music for the gala because I am versatile. You guys don’t have any music submitted what should we do?” Said President.   
“Oh no, I must have left our music in the fridge” sighed Ivan  
“President of Belarus, just choose a random song and we can improvise” Said Sasha  
“Sounds good. I can do that because I am the president” Said him “you are also on right now”  
“Aye chupacabra!” They both said as they ran out on the ice.   
Announcer: It’s Alexandra Stepanova and Ivan Buikin, the good Russian dance team uwu cheer now!  
Cheers happened. They both looked at each other in the eyes and waited for the mystery music to start. Then they heard let me hear you say heyyyy Mrs carter and they knew this would be a ride. They did their best to be very PG16 but after Sasha’s wild night with Javi she found it difficult to contain her wild side. They got through it and everyone clapped very loud for a long time. “We did good” they said to each other.   
Announcer: next up is Javier Fernandez everyone bow down I command you  
The audience did. Javi skated like the good witch Glenda. Sasha loved a man with a sensitive side and she felt herself falling more and more for her Man de la Macha. He finished his performance and everyone started crying and rolling down the stairs. Sasha wiped away three and a half tears as she waited for Javi in the wings. “Mamacita mi Sasha!” He said as he kissed her between the eyebrows. “Come with me on vacation. I’m going to Coast of Rica and I want you there with me!”   
“Coastal Rica! Javi I have to train!”  
“But Costa Rico awaits. The plane leaves in seven minutes. You have to decided now!”


	6. Flight 420- flying high

“Well? Tu es coming or no?” The Spanish flair was coming out as Javi grew more and more impatient  
“Ok fuck it I’ll go”   
“Aye aye aye!” Javi was so much happy  
“Let me go tell Ivan and then we will make a run for it!”  
“Ok”  
Sasha walked over to Ivan who was incorrectly executing the Macarena. “Ivan”  
“Oh hey Sasha what is shitting up!”  
“I’m going to Coast Rica for a week so sorry be back soon just take some time to smoke crack”  
“No way! I’m going on vacation too! Except not Coasta Ricotta… I’m going to North Korea to watch the world championships of twerking!”  
“Well good luck see you in a week”  
They shook both hands and left each other   
“Vamos Sasha!”  
Javi already had all their bags packed which didn’t make sense because all of Sasha’s clothes were lost in the fire. Whatever, the were on their way to the airport and she was in LOVE.   
Arriving at the airport they went to check in for their flight. “hola! Two trips to Coast Rittata please” asked Javi very nicely. “Ok that will be $17.43” said the clerk. “Oh no I only have $100, here just take it all” Javi said as he smashed the bills into the clerks nostrils. “Thank you go to gate 69, safe travels” said the airline man. They went over to their gate and found a surprise guest! It was Guillaume! Yay! “Hey are you guys going to Costa Rigatoni too?” He inquisitioned. “Yes we just bought our tickets” they said at the same time. “Cool! I love going to Cost the Ratatouille, so many spicy dark men oooo lala!” Said guillaume. “But what about Misha! Aren’t you two in love now or something?” Asked Sasha. “Yeah but only a little bit. He’s going to Nigeria to explore his fantasies while I’m in Course of Rica so we will see what happens”. “Awww” said Javi and Sasha. They were so glad they could have their good friend along for this trip! “Boarding flight 420 to Coat the Rista! Get on everyone” said the intercom. “Cool lets go!” Said everyone waiting for the flight. They got settled and were getting comfy in their seats. “Wow I wonder what Cottage Rica is like! I’ve never been” said Sasha. “It’s really great! There are a lot of birds and everyone eats very bland cheese!” Said guillaume. “Wow! Sounds like my kinda place!” Said Sasha. Once they were in the air, they heard gunshots but that wasn’t anything too unusual on Spirit, but once the intercom came on the trios blood all ran cold


	7. Going to heaven?!

“Would seats 4 A, B and C please come to the pilots office” said a taunting voice. “OOOOOOOO somebody is in trouble!!!” Said the old woman sitting across the row from them. “Go get fisted Stacey” said Guillaume. They all jumped up and walked to the pit of cock holding hands. It was like walking to meet the Wizard of Oz! So scare. They all looked at each other and opened the door even though this was probably illegal. “Hi this is Judge Judy” said Judge Judy as she steered the plane. And Mikhail was there too! What is going on! “Guillaume, will you be my husband” asked Mikhail. “Yes” said Guillaume. “I now pronounce you boyfriends” said Judge Judy. “Why are Javi and I here” asked Sasha. “You are the best man and First Lady” said Misha. “Aww how great!” Said them. “Hey Siri, how do you fly a big ass plane” asked Judge Judy. Oh no! She didn’t know what she was doing! “YOU SAID YOU COULD FLY A PLANE YOU OLD BITCH” snarled Misha. “I SAID I had been ON a plane that was FLYING but not by my control. I thought it was just black magic that made this work” said Judge Judy. “Let’s ask if there’s any pilots on board!” Said Sasha. “Wait where are the pilots?” Asked Javi. “We threw them out the window because I didn’t think we would need them” said Misha. “Honestly why did you go to all this trouble of hijacking a plane and killing the pilots just to get married? You could’ve just done this when we got to Costco Rio…” said Sasha. “Don’t you question my motives. Love makes me blind” said Misha as he shook his fist at her. “Hola mi amigos! Is there anyone that knows how to fly a big plane? We have some trouble and could use your help xoxoxo lmk” said Javi into the speaker. Sudden there was a knock at the door! “Who’s there?” Said Judge Judy. “Hey I know how to fly a plane I can help out” said the savior from the other side of the door. “Ok great please slide your resume and cover letter under the door and we will get back to you” said Judge Judy as she was swerving the plane to and fro. “NO LET THEM IN” said Guillaume. Door opens. “ETERI!!!????!!” They all said with fear in their hearts and tears in their eyes. “I’m good at everything, now let’s get this under control” said Eteri. This was really bad, she can’t even be trusted to make a decent music cut much less save their lives. Would they risk it? This situation is out of control! “No!” Said Javi and he slammed the door on her face. “Let’s call air traffic control and they can tell us what to do!” Said Sasha. “Better idea!” They all said.   
“Hello hello? Air traffic? This is flight 420 to Comment Rica. Uhhh our pilots decided they wanted to see other people and now we are flying this big plane and we don’t know what to do”  
“Hey dude! What the fuck is up AHAHHAHA! Pilots??!! Amirite?!”  
Oh no he was a total meathead  
“Can you tell us how to land this plane?”   
“It’s like my first day dude but fuck it let’s try!”  
“Ok tell me what to do!’  
“One sec bro i’m googling it”  
Sasha said fuck it and hung up. She was going to make a wild plan work.  
“Everyone go open the emergency exits, tell everyone to inflate the rafts, and then use them as parachutes we are abandoning ship” she demanded  
“Oh my god this will never work!” said Misha  
“If you can hijack a plane with judge judy you can FUCKING DO THIS MISHA” Sasha said. She wasn’t having it. She turned the airplane into autopilot and the passengers began jumping out with the rafts as the plane was descending. At last it was Sasha, Javi, Judge Judy, Misha and Guillaume. They saw the plane approaching a volcano and jumped out with the last raft at the last second!  
They looked around after the crash landing and had no idea where they were. There was a big lake and volcano. “Does anyone have google maps?” asked Guillaume. “I’m not allowed to” said Misha. “I do, let me see where we are” said Javi “uh ohhhh, you guys…. We’re in Nicaragua!”


	8. Cocaine deteriorate

“We should set up camp it’s getting dark” said Judge Judy. “Good idea! Javi and i will make afire, Guillaume and Misha can find food and Judge Judy you get water” said Sasha. “Great go team” they said as they did a group hug. Everyone went off and it was just sasha and javi. “Babe grab a few sticks” she said. “Wont this take a while?” he asked. “No i have a lighter, we can just start the fire and then have sex” she said. “Aye caramba!” he said. They made a fire and then climbed up a tree to do some monkey shit. Oo oo aa aa!  
MEANWHILE  
Guillaume and Misha were trying to find something to eat. “Hey these leaves could make a nice salad” said Guillaume. “Babe look!” said Misha as he pointed at a frog colony. “You can eat frog legs!” he said. Guillaume was so happy Misha knew french stereotypes. “Ok time to catch them” they said as the sneakily snuck up on the frogs. Then they pounced and caught about seven and they strangled each one to death. “Bon appetite!” said Misha. “Thats not the only thing i’ll be eating tonight” said Guillaume as he winked a lot at Misha. Misha blushed and felt his face getting red. Guillaume knew just what to say! “Let’s head back before it gets too dark” said Guillaume. “Perfect!” said Misha  
MEANWHILE PART 2  
Judge Judy had sauntered down to the lakeshore. She was invincible to water bourne diseases so she tried some and tested it for any bad germs. It was safe! She took of her adult diapers and started soaking up as much lake water as she could. But! She froze when she saw a beady pair of eyes looking at her in the water. Holy shit! A crocodile. She had to stay calm. Luckily she always carried a hammer in her bra and she blugdened the beast to death. This was a two for one deal. Water and new leather boots! As she was pulling the croc over her shoulder she heard a distant chant looming closer. What was it? “COCAINE COCAINE WE HAVE THE COCAINE” Oh noooo! They were in drug cartel territory! She ran back to camp as fast as her raggidy old bones could carry her.   
Back at camp everyone was coming back at the same time. Judge Judy looked concerned. “Your honor is something wrong?” asked Javi. “Shhhh! Put out the fire! There is a drug cartel nearby! We need to be quiet until they pass!” she said. Everyone got so scared they either peed or pooped their pants. For Javi it was both. “Lets tie up our food in the trees and then we will climb up and hide!” said Sasha. They did that. They heard the cartels chant getting closer and closer. Everyone was shaking with fear and they smelled really bad from going to the bathroom on themselves. The cartel was walking right underneath them. “Guys i have to fart” whispered misha. Everyone gestured for him not to, but he did. OOOOOHHHOOOUUUH. He looked over embarassed. “G is really big” he said. “Hey boss did you hear an owl?” asked the cartel assistant. “There’s no owls here…” said the boss man. “He boss! We’re missing half of our coca leaves.. Someone stole them!” said the cartel manager in chief. “Something is fishy… and it smells like shit here..” said the boss. Before he knew it! Judge Judy had jumped down! She took out the entire cartel! Thank god for her jiu jitsu training during the Vietnam war! “Thank you judge Judy” they all said as they hugged her. “No need to thank me, it’s part of the job. Now lets get their guns and get a move on! Who knows what else is lurking in these neck of the woods!” said her. They all got the cartels guns and some goodies for the journey and set out into the jungle.


	9. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

They had been walking through the forest for about three hours with no sign of trouble. According to their horoscopes from the big north dipper, they knew they’d be at the border of Cattle Rumba in about another two hours. “Maybe we should take a break and eat some food i’m hunger” said Misha. “Huh good idea, i think all the heroin i’ve done with Ivan has muted my hunger senses but i could go for something” said Sasha. “Ok awesome, i’ll cook us some salads with frog” said Guillaume. “My favorite!” they all said very afraid what the fuck he would be making. They all sat down and Judge Judy gave them all a cigarette to take the edge off. “Ok salads are ready! Frog legs with greens!” said guillaume as he handed everyone their salad. “Looks like a christmas ornament my grandma has, yum!” said Sasha bitchily. They ate it anyways and then Misha suggested they do some cocaine they stole from the drug cartels. Sounded like fun so they did that. After about 30 minutes, shit started to get weird. “Does anyone else feel like their eyes are made of a lava lamp?” asked Javi. “I think my eyes fell out i cant see” said misha. He was just blinking. “You guys those frogs might have been toxic or like those toads kids lick to trip balls” said Judge Judy. They all laughed. Oops! Then Javi decided he would become king of the forest, so he tore a gun in half and made a crown. They all picked flowers and he put the dead crocodile on his shoulders like a latin fur coat. They all threw the flowers and then bowed to him. Then Judge Judy ate his ass while Sasha gave him a blowjob and Guillaume made out with him and Misha clipped his toenails. After they all came a lot, they sat down and braided each others hair. Then they all saw something going on in the sky… It was a big bright light. They all stared in awe. The Light transformed into Michelle Obama!  
“Hello my drugged nomads!”  
“Hey wassup Mich O” said all of them even Michelle  
“Make sure to eat vegetables. Also there is an aztec temple one mile away, please go and submit one person to be evicted from life. My powers will take care of the rest”  
“Ok bye”  
“Bye”  
They all went to the temple and started climbing up. “Why is this thing so hard to climb up?” asked Judge Judy. “It’s like it’s made out of cans of beans” said Javi. Then they all passed out.


	10. Lost in the Supermarket

“Hey you guys gotta clean up all these beans” said someone. What was going on? Sasha woke up and she was covered in beans in a supermarket with her friends except Judge Judy… “What happened?” she asked. “You guys broke into the store and started climbing the shelves and some old ass white lady hung herself in the bathroom” said the market man. OH FUCK! They had really tripped out. “If you dont clean this up and pay for these beans, I’ll have to call the grocery police you have 10 minutes be back then” said the guy. She woke up the boys “You guys! We have 10 minutes to clean up these beans and repay the store for damages or we’ll go to grocery jail!” Explained Sasha. They looked scared. “Guillaume and i can probably eat all these beans, you and misha go sell the rest of the cartels drugs” said Javi as he kissed her middle finger. The mission began!  
Sasha and Misha were out on the street showing off their goodies Then two bulky men approached them… “Hello two cocaines for $600 please” yessss they scored! It was like taking money from a bunch of babies. They went back inside to see how Guillaume and Javis bean feast was going. They were almost done! Phew! “Hey mr grocery man, can we see the security footage and keep it as a souviner?” Asked Misha. “Ahh fuck it why not, come with me” said grocery.   
They waited for Javi and Guillaume to eat the last of the beans and then followed the man into a back room where they watched the security tapes. It was pretty embarrassing…. they were just jumping on the shelves and yelling “Tegucigalpa” and “Kill Eteri!” just making a big damn mess. They took the footage so no one could get their hands on it. Then they left. “Before we leave, where is this?” Asked Javi. “You’re in San Jose! Pura la vida loca!” Said the guy. Great! They somehow made it over the border and into the capital while tripped out on balls from cocaine and toxic frogs! They decided to go buy a hotel and then start their vacation. They walked around and decided to stay at a Motel 6 for maximum luxury. “Hola! Two rooms please!” Said Javi in Spanish. “Ok that will be $70,00,0000 dollars” said the hotel. “Hm seems like a stiff price..” said Javi. “Well we are holding the international pole dance Grand Prix qualifications and prices have gone up a bit” said the hotel. “Sounds fun guys, we should check it out” said Misha. They all agreed. Javi paid and they went to their rooms. “Wow I can’t believe we made it” Sasha said to Javi. He agreed. They decided to be risky and do it on the balcony. After four hours and 13 positions they decided that was enough and they both came like fire hydrants. They went over to Guillaume and Mishas room. “Hey lovebirds let’s go watch that pole dancing competition” said Javi. “Ok come in we are taking shots” said Misha and they opened the door. The all grabbed a wine glass filled to the top with tequila. “Last one done is a rotten flutz!” said Misha and they all started downing the liq. Then they all threw up and tried again two more times. Well that was the best they could do and they headed to watch the pole dance competition. “This will be so much fun, maybe i can get ideas for programs!” said Sasha. They were so excited! They all went to sit down at the stadium and there was a girl starting her program. Oh my god! They couldn’t believe who it was! Then a pregnant woman walked up to Javi, slapped him in the face and said “We need to talk”


	11. The getaway

“You owe me 14 trillion dollars in child support mr Fernandez” said the lady. They were so confused because they had just recognized Liza Tuktamysheva on the poles! She noticed and started walking over while Javi dealt with his bastardized lover. “I don’t have have any money I spent it all on the motel” said him. “Well if I don’t have the money by the next three days I will call the press” said pregnanante. She walked away. Javi started crying because he was poor now and he didn’t like children. Sasha decided she should call in some backup. Liza came over to strike a convo before she could make a call though. “Hey so yeah I didn’t have pneumonia I just lied so I could train for pole dancing please don’t tell anyone. If you want I can give head” said Liza. How nice! They declined but then told her about the situation with Javi. She said she would be on board to help. Sasha decided she still needed one more along for the ride so she called Ivan. “Hey Ivan”  
“Hey Sasha what tf is up”  
“Well some shit has gone down in Contra Risky and I think I really need your help could you come over”  
“Sure I’m already there, I was going to sell some sex slaves but they can figure it out themselves. See you in 20”  
What a good ice dance partner. She had a crazy idea and really hoped everyone would be on board. “You guys if we rob the national bank we can get enough money to pay off that fat pregante bitch and make a profit.. who’s in?” They were all in. They all waited for Ivan to show up by playing footsies. Once he walked up they started to make their plan. It was going to be risky but you have to risk it for the biscuit.   
Two hours later at the national bank of Commerce Richard, a man with a hoodie walks up to the teller. “Hola mi amigo. Give me 16 trillion dollars or I will burn down the bank and my people will overthrow the government” said the mystery man that was actually Ivan. “We can’t do that because it’s illegal” said bank man. “I have two guns and I will kill you. I also have 5 accomplices with the place surrounded. They all have grenades. It’s your life or the money” said Ivan. Then the bank guy opened the money vault and they all ran in and grabbed everything that they could. As they were running out, the bank man had hit the police button. Bad news! They all hopped into their rented van and took off towards panama. Once they were in the mountains they started hearing sirens. They were surrounded! They had to jump ship and roll down the mountain! They all dove rolled out of the car and slid down the mountain too fast for the cops to run after them. Once the kinetic energy stopped the endless somersaults they started running. Eventually they reached a remote beach. “Hey let’s make camp for the night, make a boat and then sail out early morning” said guillaume. That was a good idea for 6 concussion victims so they started putting in the work. By 11pm the boat was made and they had a cute little rustic camp set up. Misha and Guillaume decided to hit the hay early and go fuck in the forest. So they left. That left Javi Sasha Ivan and Liza. Liza was thirsting for a man. The poles brought out the bad side of the ice empress and she didn’t dare hide it. She started making moves. She needed his Siberian bull worm inside of her cave. They fled to the forest and began an evening of ecstasy. That left Sasha and Javi. “Was that baby really yours? I don’t want kids. Javi I have had 7 abortions because that shit will derail my ice dance career” said Sasha. “It was mine” said Javi with a long face. “Well quit making me a Twinkie and starting going toaster strudel you dumb fuck” she said. “I know baby. I have so many children but I want to wait with you… you are so special to me… I have to ask you a question” as Javi stood up


	12. Marriage is for cool kidz

“Sasha….. will you marry me?” He asked as he pulled out a crack pipe that had the bottom punched through for the engagement ring. “Javi! Yes!” Sasha said. They made out and then she let him fuck her in the ear. Once the others started coming back they told everyone the good news. “We should have a wedding right now guys!” Said Liza. “Good idea! The theme should be ice skating because that’s what we do” said Guillaume. Everyone agreed. But that was a bit of a problem because they were eighth by the equator and nowhere near an ice rink! But luckily Ivan had an idea. “I will make some reverse meth and it should be a good substitute! Meanwhile Liza, Misha and Guillaume you guys should make some food and decorate!” Said ivan. It was coming together! Liza and Misha went out in the woods to try and rob a nearby farmhouse for some macaroni salad ingredients. Guillaume started picking flowers and making bouquets. Javi and Sasha were so happy they started crying! They couldn’t believe that with all the insanity they had endured they finally had a happy moment. They had only known each other for such a short amount of time but it felt so right and the sec was so good, they knew this was the right decision. Ivan had made a beautiful rink out of his reverse meth, Guillaume was just finishing up the tropical flower bouquets and Liza and Misha had just finished making all the macaroni salad their hearts desired. Javi asked Guillaume to be his best man, and Sasha asked Ivan to be her First Lady. Misha was the flower girl and Liza was the priest and singer. Once it was all set up, Liza started singing here comes the bride as Sasha and Ivan skated down the meth rink.   
“Sasha, do you promise to be a good wife and get married to Javi?” Asked Liza  
“I do” she said.   
“Javi, do you promise to be a great husband and always give her oral?” Asked Liza  
“I do” said Javi   
“I now pronounce you Man and Woman in marriage. You can lick the bride!”  
They made out and their friends all stood around and clapped with happy tears running down their face. Then it was the party! Misha was doing quads and Ivan and Sasha were trying to teach Liza the tango romantica pattern. It was so much fun! Then came the time to cut the macaroni salad. But first! It was time for Guillaume and Ivan to give a speech.   
“Hello everyone” said guillaume to 5 people “I am so happy to be the best man at such a great wedding. Javi has been the coolest dude I’ve ever met and Sasha is so hot so I know he and his penis are very happy. I will miss giving him secret blowjobs before medal ceremonies, but he is so happy with Sasha I couldn’t ask for anything. Cheers to the couple of the millennium!”  
They all took a bite of their macaroni salad before Ivan started his speech.   
“Hey what’s up Kansas City! Just kidding my guys we are not in Kansas City. Anyways, I am so happy for this awesome couple. Sasha has been my partner for so much many long years and after she gave me a handjob before one competition, we fucked up really bad and then got platonic again. I’m really happy she has such a cool dude like Javi to fuck her eardrums out. Really crazy that we are here in Castle Richard under the moon celebrating such a cool ass couple! Anyways cheers to them and let’s fucking skate!”   
They all agreed with Ivan. They all went to the reverse meth rink and started skating like crazy. The night drew to a close a few hours later. They had all agreed that in the morning they would make a boat and set sail for Russia to start training again. But love was in the air and that night the lovers paired up and went into the forest for some beautiful steamy love making. Russia could wait until the morning, but the erections and drenched vaginas could not.


End file.
